I thought I would update thie before I crash for the day. My life has been so stressful this month. I can't wait till I can be the free care person. For those that do not know, the ex has excalated the harassing and the threats. He actually showed up at work. I was smart enough not to talk to him. I had another manager take care of it, and there was more threats involved between the ex and the other manager and me. He is getting his stupid friends to call me all the time and filling false complaints against me at work. Good thing I have a wonderful boss that believes me and is protecting me. I went Monday to file a restraining order. But that was denied. I have a hearing next friday at 8:30. The judge wants to hear more about the problem. My boss is going to press harassment charges against him too. I am trying to not let it affect me, but sometimes it does. I have changed my cell phone number. So if anyone wants me new number let me know. I am also working on changing other numbers. I cant even do my job at work anymore. That is totally driving me crazy. I have awesome friends at work. One of them is staying with me until things settle down some. She will also be me roommate in a couple of months. I can't wait. Its good to have someone else around. I miss having someone around. The ability to talk to someone whenever. To hang out and talk or play games or talk about boys.

Yeah I talk about boys, but I am anti-boy. I can't see how I can ever trust a guy again. This is so totally opposite of me. I could trust guys but not girls. But now some of my closest friends are girls. We have mini girl parties over the weekend. Gets my mind off of things. Seriously, are there any guys out there that don't want to use girls or don't always think about getting us into beds. The new roommate and I don't wear anything skimpy, we both dress pretty modestly. But guys still want to get us into bed. When they find out that we are not interested in that or that we are virgins still, they turn and runaway like we are diseased or something. We both are having issues with boys. Why can't they just be our friends? What is wrong with a girl/guy friendship that has no pressure of being anything more? Why can't they just accept the fact that some girls do not want to have sex with every single guy that they met, that they are waiting for that perfect guy. (this is very rare) I am proud to be in that majority. I enjoy being unique and rare. Why can't guys just accept that. I am not going to change my mind. I am waiting. Waiting for some guy to come along and impress me. The guy that smiles when I walk into the room. The guy that encourages me and respects me and my wishes. I also expect him to be a virgin. Because I waited and I feel that he should wait too.

Why do things happen to people? Why do these things happen to me? Why did I invest so much time and emotions in the ex? Why did I not see his lies? Why why why? I want answers. But sometimes, I do not get the answers I want. Maybe I might not even get answers. That frustrates me so much. Because I want answers. Why do things happen to certain people and not to others? Why am I being scared and afraid to do anything? why do I feel so useless and helpless sometimes? Why can't the world ends as we know it right now? OH I have plenty of more whys but I will save those for another time. :)

I just want to throw my hands up into the air and say I give up. Surrender. Raise the white flag. I do not want to take it anymore. I want things to be like they used to. Give everything up to God. Let him take control. I need to spend time on my knees. Surrendering my life to God. Let Him worry about my problems. Let Him take care of my problems. Let Him protect me. I want to feel His arms around him, holding me tight to his chest. I want to hear that He loves me and that he is here for me. That he has a plan. That everything will work out. That I am not going thru this just to go thru it. I want Satan to leave me alone. I do not want to be a slave to him. I want to be a servant to the Living God. The God that has shown over and over that he is here for us. We just need to let him be in control. I want Satan to stop ruining my life, stop interferring with what the True God wants me to be and wants me to do with my life. I have had problems with trying to be in control. I have been working on it, but sometimes its hard to surrender. But I am surrendering my problems to him right now. I want him to take care of everything. God has the power to go poof and the problem disappear. I believe that I will get thru this even tho right now there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But soon. So soon I will see that light.

I miss my friends from LU. But I know they will always be there for me. Thats what I miss most about LU - the people, my friends. Have to count the blessings. That is what keeps me going sometimes. Thinking bout the wonderful things that God has given me. That he has blessed me with. The friends from LU. The friends I have here. (yes I do have friends here :P ) The wonderful boss I have. She is so amazing and so wonderful. She is there for me thru all this stuff. Even tho sometimes I do not like my job, I am happy to have a job. I am happy that I stayed here. The weather is getting nicer. And so much more.

i think my brain is running on empty right now. It is time for bed. I will keep ya'll updated on whats happening. Miss ya'll